Terrible Twenties: Feeling Lost & Searching for Purpose

I’m sure you’ve heard of the ‘terrible twos’, but what of the terrible twenties? That awkward void you aimlessly float about, obsessively comparing your life to others whilst losing a seemingly never-ending game of hide and seek with your life’s purpose. One aspect of growing up I certainly wasn’t prepared for was the feeling of being stuck in two worlds: your adolescent life and true adulthood.

Around the age of 22, I began to shed my skin. Values and thought patterns I’d passionately identified with slowly began to sound like the voice of a stranger. Habits I’d mindlessly repeated for years suddenly didn’t align with the new version of myself I now identified with. As I began to make choices that propelled me closer to a more authentic version of myself, I noticed a nagging feeling of guilt and developed a terrible case of imposter syndrome. Guilt for outgrowing relationships I’d held dear for years, and fear of being perceived as a fraud by those who knew the old version of me.

I still battle with accepting that this metamorphosis is indeed valid and truthful. One of the hardest truths to come to terms with is that without shedding your old self, you hold no space for you true identity to flourish and grow roots.

By interacting with those who refuse or are not ready to grow with you and welcome you into adulthood, you give them the power to mentally trap you in childhood. It is natural to outgrow people, even when they have committed no offence. Sometimes the expiry date on the relationship has been reached and it is simply time to amicably move on. This is no easy decision to make, guilt and fear swarm, yet excitement and contentment draw near as you settle deeper into your new self.

This piece has been especially trying to write. I struggle daily with feeling lost in my 20s, paralysed by choice. I made the decision to open my life up, to welcome a plethora of opportunities, and here I am contorting and forcing myself down every avenue that arises but to no avail. Do I climb the corporate ladder, or should I be paying attention to all these get rich quick schemes plaguing Tik Tok? Do I disappear, and peacefully live off mother nature, or perhaps I finally commit to making a living through sharing my travels with the world? Maybe I opt to work a ‘lazy-girl job’ that gives me the freedom to log off as soon as it hits 5pm?

Where is my life going, and why do I feel powerless to guide it?

In this new age of toxic productivity, we see ourselves attaching our intrinsic worth to our daily output. Hobbies are no longer valid if they do not double as a money-making scheme, rest and recouperation is seen as laziness, and a desire to prioritise anything other than your career is ‘bummy’ and unambitious behaviour.

Stimulating Tik Toks of your favourite influencer’s ‘top 10 side hustles that will make you £5,000 in ten seconds’ are thrown at you daily with buzzwords such as ‘drop-shipping’ plunging you deeper into stasis.

Sometimes you just need to crotchet that hat that no one is going to wear, take that day or three to break from being a contributing member to society, and choose the path that matches your own priorities and not those capitalism has fearmongered you into having.

You live your life at your pace.

Although it is incredibly tempting to compare our timelines to others, it is not, nor will it ever be, comparing like for like. You exist in your own reality, and as they say, comparison is the thief of joy. Surrendering to life is the kindest gift you could give yourself. Think of this stasis as crucial time to prepare yourself emotionally, physically and spirituality for all that is to come your way.

Nothing in this life is by chance, adopt the mindset that lack is making space for abundance and rejection as redirection. No choice is permanent.

Everything you choose is the right choice for who you are in this moment.

You are not lost; you are making space for something great.