Be Kind, Not Nice.

I’ve always prided myself on being a ‘nice’ person. The human embodiment of Switzerland; nice and diplomatic. Rarely did people have problems with me.

Up until this year, I believed that this niceness made me a good person. Yet being nice has nothing to do with being a good person. Anyone can be nice, good and bad people alike. Kindness, however, comes from the heart. Kindness is intentional and is given with purpose. To be kind, one must be present and actively make such decisions. Niceness is a reflex that appeals to our need to be liked, to be unproblematic. Often, no thought goes into being nice to someone; it’s an unspoken social rule we instinctively follow.

Eventually, I began to ask myself why I wanted to be nice; was it because I wanted to actively ensure that people had a genuinely good experience interacting with me or was it out of fear of being perceived as a horrible person. Rather embarrassingly, it was often the latter. And so, I began to consciously think about ways to actively be kind to people. This usually took the form of asking myself ‘what are your motives here?’. If my answer sounded anything like: ‘well, I should…’ I would take a minute to catch myself. At first, it seemed as if my behaviour hadn’t really changed, but then, to my surprise, I noticed I was being ‘nice’ to considerably less people. That feeling of being spread thin began to ebb away and my energy focused on those who also had kindness in their hearts as opposed to draining myself purely for the sake of being liked.

Now, I’m not promoting a society where we are mean to the majority and only kind to our loved ones. I am arguing for a norm where we are conscious of how much we give of ourselves to certain people. A norm where our actions are genuine and born of authenticity as opposed to blind instinct. The change from making the decision to give with intention and purpose is like day and night. Life on the surface appears the same, yet inside each action is more fulfilling, each relationship that is strengthened by true kindness becomes more fruitful. You find yourself to be a present, benevolent, and powerful creator of your life.

Be that listening ear because you truthfully desire to alleviate their pain. Go that extra mile because you trust yourself to discern when someone respects and values you. Not everyone gets to have all of us immediately, and that’s okay.

Situations change, trust builds, understanding settles and eventually, more of us is given.