Healing Hearts: Communication, Co-dependency & Choosing Love
Our caregivers are responsible for showing us what love is supposed to look and feel like. Parenting is no easy feat, however, an overwhelming number of us navigate relationships with warped views of how to love and very little understanding of how to be loved. We watch our parents bicker and fight, withhold affection, and sacrifice in the name of love. Thus, we trudge on trapped in endless cycles of toxic situations that mirror the ‘love’ we witnessed growing up.
One of the hardest truths to come to terms with, is taking accountability for the patterns we see arising within our love lives. Yes, our caregivers were initially tasked with relaying such teachings, however, as we grow into our autonomy, we must learn to accept this responsibility. Why do we choose partners who prove time and time again that they have no interest in treating us with respect? Why do we find ourselves with our hearts on our sleeves, baring all for the wrong person? And what can we do to break this cycle and start choosing love, and not the falsity we have been led to believe in?
Throughout my dating career, I have seen my fair share of suitors who had brought nothing more than suffering to the relationship. Dare I say, my fearful avoidant attachment style may have actually served me for this portion of my life. I found myself repeatedly falling into situationships with people who carried little to no respect for me where my only choice was to self-abandon and sacrifice my needs. What kept me in this nightmare, was the notion that I was ‘falling’ into such situations. I convinced myself I was a passive participant, swept up by the lies, unable to catch myself, and devoid of any true responsibility for my part in any of it. Now, this doesn’t excuse the behaviour of those partners, it just shows it does indeed take two to tango. Only you can free yourself from a life of doomsday relationships that seek to louden those self-depreciating voices already swarming in your mind.
The first step is honesty. Honesty with yourself. What narratives have I been exposed to by those I grew up with? What recurring choices am I making to reinforce those beliefs? Do I really want to love and be loved like this, or is it all I know? Do I truly believe I am worthy of being loved? (Hint: the way you allow yourself to be treated often answers this question).
Taking stock of your romantic needs and wants naturally propels you closer to the love you deserve. Think about what core values you need in a partner; ones that reflect yours. Differences are beautiful in relationships, however, when one person is a feminist and the other a chauvinist… I’m sure you can see how this may pose as a problem rather quickly. I’m sure you’ve heard countless influencers preaching about manifestation and they aren’t wrong. You attract what you think. If you believe your person to be loving, attentive, generous, passionate, free-thinking, and spontaneous, odds are, these are the kinds of people you will seek out. Having an idea of the person you truly deserve and not the one your unfortunate environment has led you to believe will restore your sense of control by shifting you from a passive participant to an active chooser, thus, drastically changing your dating outcomes.
It is natural to feel friction once you begin engaging with wholesome and kind people. The body wants what is familiar. If, like myself, you’ve become accustomed to unpredictable, unstable, and explosive relationships for most, if not all, of your adult life, a stable and predictable partner may throw your nervous system into dismay. Feelings of boredom may arise as we begin to feel uneasy in the calmness, but I promise you, this feeling is temporary.
Stick with it.
Keep the channel of communication open between yourself and your partner. A sane and caring person will welcome the opportunity to learn more about what makes you tick. Nine times out of ten, expressing these feelings to your significant other is all it takes to quiet those nagging voices tempting you to revert to old patterns.
Communication is your best friend when healing your heart. It is generally easy to communicate the positives; how infatuated and happy you are to be with this person etc. Yet many of us are navigating new relationships with co-dependency wounds, and as a result, our communication skills take a blow. At some point in our lives, we have all been guilty of taking on the responsibility of our partner’s happiness and side-lining our own feelings. Once upon a time, I would have called this ‘love’. I know now, that witnessing my mother repeatedly sacrifice her needs for those she cared for in the name of ‘love’ has seeped into my method of loving throughout my adult life. It is imperative to understand the difference between ‘sacrifice’ and ‘compromise’; the former is almost always at the expense of the self, and the latter is a healthy tool to ensure one honours both their and their partner’s needs. Compromise isn’t always 50/50, in fact, relationships are rarely 50/50 in themselves. Compromise only works when both parties are intentionally making decisions together that benefit both parties using open and honest communication. Sacrifice lacks communication and breeds resentment and is often done without the other asking.
Choosing love looks like healing your co-dependency wounds and intentionally working on effective and compassionate communication. Voicing your feelings is key but remember to do so with tact and care.
Ineffective communication is just as bad as no communication.
Focus on using sentence structures such as ‘I feel … when you do …’, avoid phrases such as ‘you always…’ or ‘you never…’. These phrases introduce an accusatory tone to the conversation and encourage your partner to have their defences up instead of their ears and heart open.
Loving yourself is a conscious decision, as is loving your partner. We don’t fall in love, we fall into situations of infatuation, and choose to love every day after that. Re-shaping one’s ideals of love and relating to others is no easy task, yet it is necessary in order to bask in the healthy, healing, and enriching love those around us have to offer.
Choose the love you deserve, and nothing less.